Trepidation pervades my being,
I struggle as I suppress.
My lips waver and I whimper,
like a canine in distress.
Where are my tears you ask?
I reciprocate the question to you.
Why can’t I feel my emotions,
like I desire to so deeply do?
My face is as silent as night;
no expression leaks from my soul.
Where are my expressions you ask?
I am afraid to say I don’t know.
The evil before me motionless,
but somewhere I hear a scream.
I strain my ear even further,
and I become aware the screaming is from me.
My enemy is inanimate,
nevertheless it provokes great terror.
I freeze as if I am a being of ice,
as the enemy begins to dare further.
A wisp of hope appears,
in a form so fragile and small.
My mind doubts if it is anything,
alas it is nowhere fragile at all.
The beacon of light becomes brighter;
a strength so intangible in every way
So very elusive it frightens me,
however I would like it to stay.
Although this hope scares me,
it will forever prevail over dark.
Remain for eternity if I believe,
all I need to do is start.
The wisp is a poem I wrote about hope in our darkest places. I was at a place at the time when I was my worst enemy. In absolute truth, we can be our worst enemy. No, we are our worst enemy AND our best friend. Never forget the latter; we always retain the ability to be our most befitting ally. Our strength to make ourselves feel dispirited is incredible. However, our strength to raise our spirits is just as strong. It all depends on our self talk. If you are constantly telling yourself, “I am a mistake.” “I am unworthy.” or “I am not enough.” then you aren’t. YOU have the power to define yourself not anyone else. If you tell yourself, “I am perfect as I am.” “I am beautiful.” and “I am enough.” then you are. You are what you believe.
I always say, “Your beauty doesn’t define you, you define your beauty.” Your inner spirit, and who you name yourself to be is who you are. Don’t freak out and think, “well all these years I have been telling myself that I am stupid, so I really am and always will be.” That is the beauty of this, it always evolves! One day you might be dumb and the next you might be a genius. Or in a moment you could look awful and the next you are gorgeous. Your beliefs are what you define them to be. Don’t be alarmed when suddenly you change your self talk and automatically your mind reverts to the thoughts that you have been drilling yourself for so long with. Your thoughts can transmute in an instant, but your core beliefs may take weeks, months, possibly even years to transform depending how much you attempted to etch them into your DNA. Why do we do this? I know that I would tell myself and others when they asked me that it was the only way to better myself. Well, that was just a thought wrapped in a thought! I was truly saying, “I am not good enough.” We can’t improve ourselves, we can only change ourselves. By trying to make ourselves immaculate we are really hurting ourselves more than just being who we are. Sometimes we disguise our core beliefs in words that don’t quite sound like it. We are sneaky beings! When we say “I can’t do it.” we are really saying “I am not strong enough.” When we say “I am not attractive.” we are saying “I am unlovable.” In addition, if we have been repeating these damaging thoughts for a while, it will surely take a while to change them for good. Thinking positive takes a lot more energy sometimes than dwelling in somber thoughts. However, once you make it a part of your regimen then it will begin to become like muscle memory. Try these exercises:
Get someone you love dearly to sit across from you. Stare directly into their eyes and repeat all the negative self-talk that you have been telling yourself out loud to them. Make sure to not break eye contact. You can’t do it? I don’t blame you. We would never tell someone we love that they are unworthy or not enough because we truly believe the absolute opposite. Now, find a mirror where you can see your entire face. Stare deeply into your eyes now and tell yourself, “I am sorry for everything I have said and done to you. You are worthy, you are enough, you are beautiful (anything opposite of what you have been telling yourself).” Remember not to break eye contact again. This one can be just as challenging as the first exercise and can evoke intense emotions. Do this last exercise for at least a week or until you can gaze into your eyes and say this statement with confidence. All we need to do is start believing in who we are because who you are is incredible. Each and every one of you reading this is unique and unequivocally beautiful. Never forget that!