“Falling Into my Wings”
An anomaly I was irrefutably;
a ripple on a silent lake.
Yearning for love and acceptance,
succeeding to only be fake.
My open heart as delicate as glass.
my soul as light as a feather.
I become lost in the consuming darkness,
was lifeless, analogous to all the others.
Pain overcame my being,
unable to slip into the murky mask.
My life on the verge of falling,
ending the future, present, and past.
I remain at the top of a cliff, nearly tipping,
breathing cold, deep darkness, no light.
My diversity a curse I retain,
something intangible, impossible to fight.
My eyes flutter shut and I relent,
tears rolling down my cheeks.
I’m faltering, I’m failing, I’m falling,
my hopes shot and drained bleak.
As I slip silently off the cliff,
the wind thrashing at my hair,
I notice something within me;
I do not consist of pure despair.
This something expands as I tumble,
as if the air is tearing away the black.
The nearing ground approaches swiftly,
and I desperately yearn to turn back.
I begin flailing about out of panic.
Heart pounding, piercing my ears.
A wavering breath I inhale,
as my eyes close, accepting my fear.
The wind suddenly dies and hushes,
a silence overcomes the cold air.
The only sound audible is my beating heart.
Am I gone? Do my eyes dare?
I peek out, apprehension deep within,
my breath halts as I am in awe;
a birds’ breadth away from my nose,
lays the the ground to which I fall.
However, my body is immobile,
frozen incredibly in midair.
I gaze warily behind me, bewildered,
spotting great white wings that where once absent there.
Powerfully beating rhythmically,
I am astounded that the are mine.
My hopes soar, shining brighter than the sun,
when I become aware I am fine.
Now I know something that once eluded me,
a truth that can no longer hide;
light, hope, and faith are not absorbed,
they eternally remain on the inside.
My eyes were constantly closed to the beauty,
this magnificence that I always hold,
afraid of its marvel and diversity,
that cannot be bought, taken or sold.
I now realize the dark was purely fear,
fear of what I could potentially be.
For the first time I will embrace it,
because I am finally beautifully imperfect me.
I wrote this poem the day before I discharged from the treatment center for my eating disorder. I had an epiphany, that sometimes we have to fall before we can fly. We have to witness rock bottom before we can taste the sweetness of a full life. There cannot be light without dark…there cannot be music without silence…there cannot be love without hatred. Behind every emotion, dark or light, there is a message; A tendril of truth that is waiting to be seen. And with every emotion there is another one to balance it out. If we are afraid of falling we only fall quicker. If we are terrified of falling we will never learn to fly. Life is a journey of swells and dips, like the waves of a vast ocean. We are a beautiful ship upon the sea, rising and falling along with the waves of life. When we do not fight these waves our journey is ample with wonderful lessons and self discovery. If we battle these waves, the turbulence only becomes greater and we fail to see the underlying truths because we are so centered on attempting to control our life. Let yourself roll over the clear blue waves, if you don’t, you could create a hurricane. Don’t be afraid of the ups and downs of life, they teach us what we need to know. Also, know that it is always okay to be afraid, it is natural to have apprehension about the future ahead. The unknown is a scary place, but it is also incredible. A blank slate just waiting to be painted. Allow yourself to ride the waves.